Some shit happened tonight and I am angry. I am lying in bed just going in circles mentally, and I remembered- I have a blog again. Bear with me while I work through this one.
I attended a rope dojo tonight. I agreed to a scene with two of my favorite people. Marks are rarely a problem for me, but tonight I stipulated that they’re a hard limit this time. I repeated this multiple times. I paused play a couple of times to point out that I was pretty sure marks were being left (I scene with my clothes on, no sex involved). Every time I was told it would be ok. Then I was left to be responsible for my own aftercare.
For those who aren’t familiar with the BDSM lifestyle, ignoring a hard limit and leaving aftercare to someone who bottomed in a scene is just such a no. I feel violated. On top of feeling violated I’m struggling with how to say this to two people who mean the world to me. They weren’t malicious, and truth be told I very much enjoyed the actual scene. But the aftermath…
The marks present a huge problem for my personal life. Things that can’t be changed, and I am the one who has to live with the repercussions of that. The lack of aftercare is just shitty, and makes me feel disposable. But the marks. This is keeping me awake tonight.
ETA: It’s not the actual stuff that happened tonight. It’ll heal, I’ll deal with the repercussions to the best of my abilities, I’ll move on. It’s that I hate having to have uncomfortable discussions with friends. And let’s be clear about my comfort level. I’m very open with most topics others consider taboo. I’m not referring to sex or politics or whatever. I love that we can all have varying opinions and comfort levels and ideas, and discuss them with each other. I mean, discussions where I have to admit that I’m upset by something you did (or didn’t do as the case may be).
If you’re important to me I don’t want hard feelings. I don’t want hurt. I don’t want anger. For someone who is so incredibly forward and direct with most aspects of my life, I avoid conflict with those I care about at almost all costs. And typically that cost includes my feelings. I let things keep me awake, and kill my appetite, and keep me generally unhappy until I’m finally over it, but I never bring it up. Because conflict. And that’s a problem.
It’s not a particularly adult way to handle things. It’s not fair to either party. I have amazing friends. If they’re at fault I fully believe they’ll own that shit, and that would make me feel even worse. I know, I know. I’m insane.
I wasn’t raised in a household where conflict was handled peacefully. I’ve never witnessed a healthy argument. I don’t know how. So the minute I raise an issue and I can see realization dawn on the other person I immediately begin to backpedal. The urge to run away is overpowering. So I avoid it. And I’m trying to stop that.
But I can’t help but lie here and think of all the ways this is actually my fault, and reasons I shouldn’t bring it up, and methods to just avoid the same situation in the future, and an excuse to drop off the radar until my feelings are less hurt about this.
Ugh my stomach hurts.